Hello again! It's been a little while since I last updated, huh... truth is, I've kinda been rotting in my room a little, trying to pass the time these past few weeks. Today was good though! Hedgehog is back in the country as of this morning, and I'm actually about to hop on call with him while he sets up his new PC. We're hopefully catching up in person either tomorrow or Friday, so that ought to be fun. He grabbed me a couple things while he was still travelling around, so it'll be nice to help him lighten his load a little!

Karate is still going good! My fitness levels have picked up a bit more, and my body is growing more accustomed to it. Granted, I currently have the most insane pain in my lower ab muscles and hamstrings, but that just means I'm pushing myself adequately in preparation for my grading at the end of the year. I'm getting plenty of rest too, though! Ideally I'd like to spend another 1-2 days a week exercising, but I'm gonna hold off on that for now to let my muscles get used to it. I may take up swimming for it, especially over our dojo's summer break to maintain my fitness levels!

I've kinda had a hard time looking for work at the moment, but surely that'll be resolved soon enough. It just so happens that the job market is in a pretty poor place at the exact period of time where I've just finished my degree and returned home... at least that's not forever. It's given me almost too much time to do things, to the point where indecision has paralysed me and allowed me to build up a total mess in my room... I've been working towards cleaning and organising all the stuff from my suitcases this week, especially since I'm going to be having company tomorrow. Other than that, I've got a couple pages in the works that I'm almost ready to upload, which is nice. One of them is a little log of things I've eaten, inspired by Sarah's food log over on inkcaps.neocities.org. Please keep your eyes out for that!

I almost wish I had more to talk about... since going back to Karate, my mental and physical health seems to be a little better, which is something I'm happy about! I've also come to eat a hell of a lot more fruit, usually by adding it into my bowl of protein oatmeal I have for breakfast. It's making me feel really good, I hope I can continue with it even while going into a proper career now that I've graduated. I'd ideally like to reach black belt rank and go into competitive sparring, which is definitely doable if I keep working at it. Anyway, that's enough from me today. Hope you're all doing well!

I can feel winter steadily approaching it's end, and man, am I glad for that! I know many of my online peers are instead seeing this with summer, and I do have to say, I'm a little jealous— Autumn is by far my favourite season! Don't get me wrong, I love Spring, but it feels like it rains too much where I am to properly enjoy it... anyway, I hope the hot weather isn't dragging anyone down too much at the moment.

I started attending Karate again this week for the first time in about four-ish years. I'm going to my second session again tonight, actually! Because of this, I've been in a very good mood and have gained a huge bout of motivation to work on my nutrition and fitness... despite the fact that I have some wicked bruises below my knee from sitting in seiza and my muscles have been aching like crazy (they're a bit better today though, thankfully!). It was really good being able to go back to the same dojo I trained at back in 2019, even if it's definitely a challenge to get used to. The style I train in, Kyokushin, is actually one of the most difficult styles... I didn't choose to do it initially, either— my Mum just saw they did Karate and signed me up when I was a teenager! Though, I've really grown to love and appreciate the challenge and the mindsets it encourages. I'm still a little weak and have kind of poor endurance, to which my sensei encouraged me to take it easy (something I struggle to do, funnily enough! he's right though) and just keep working at it. The dojo is a really supportive environment, and the fact that I even have the support of those outside too from close friends, is really making me want to do my best. Right now, I'm sitting at 9級 (tabbed orange belt), and am hoping to maybe attend grading at the end of the year to reach my next belt. I'm not sure if I'll be ready, but at the very least, I want to keep working hard at it since it makes me feel good!

Other than that, I made a quick visit to my local library yesterday and picked up some light reading. I didn't head over there with the intent to issue anything, but I found some interesting texts that I wanted to take a look at, haha... I've got a month to read 'em all, so lets hope I can! I'm particularly interested in getting to read Sayaka Murata's Earthlings, since I very much enjoyed reading her short novel Convenience Store Woman last year— I only managed to read the English translation, but the prose of the text was something that really resonated with me. I've been desperate to hook into more books, especially after finishing all the reading I needed to do for academic purposes! I have an absolutely massive backlog, also... I started listening to the audiobook of Gideon the Ninth again early last month since I'm preparing for the release of Alecto the Ninth when it eventually comes out. I'm really looking forward to it. Anyway, that's about all I wanted to share for now— I'm still working on some refurbs here and there for the site, and am probably going to drop a batch of updates in one go when I've got them done. Until next time!

I've suddenly forgotten how to start off diary entries, goodness me. I'll try and do it as straightforward as possible, then! Anyway, hello, I'm currently tucked into my bed and participating in a (debatably) healthy dose of rottage. Adjusting back to the timezone, despite the fact it's only a 3-hour difference, has proved a lot more difficult than I thought it would— mainly because I'm still talking to friends both in Japan and on their ways home! Hopefully I can reign it in soon, though, since it's starting to impact my ability to do things... in fact, I've still got a bunch of things I need to do. Yet here I am, filling in my journal... again. Such is life!

I've had a pretty eventful week... if you can call it that? I've only really been back for around five days now, not counting the day I arrived back in the country, since I was still travelling for the majority of the time. In that time, I've managed to: pick up a new shelving unit, reed diffuser and lamp for my room, renew my learner license in preparation for sitting my restricted, go grocery shopping with my Mum, visit my Grandmother's grave with some flowers, visit my friend at work, catch up with several old colleagues and meet new staff at my old workplace (one of whom I actually went to school with, funnily enough!), set up a new rewards card with my local grocery store, call Hedgehog a handful of times, replace and reactivate my SIM card, work on some translations and html files rotting in my VSC folders, and even wander around town a bit! I feel pretty grown up, and even a little strange compared to how I was previously. It seems easier to talk to staff and get things done, now... perhaps a tell-tale sign that living abroad changed me in some capacity? My parents and peers commented that I seem different to how I was— with the head of security at my old job even saying that I don't look as miserable as I did. Which is funny, and I just brushed it off as me not hating the position I'm in right now. In general, home feels a little different to how I left it. Ever-so-slightly off, comparable to a painting being moved .5mm to the left of where it was a week ago.

Speaking of jobs, I've been writing up a lot of applications recently. I've already been rejected from a couple, which is a little annoying... but whatever, it happens. I'd like to get a job pretty soon, though, the FFXIV withdrawals are hitting like crazy..! I want to be able to game on a PC again!!! Plus, I'm not exactly the type that likes to sit around home doing nothing all day, something I definitely picked up off my Mum... For now, I just have my Switch for the sake of playing games, which is still tucked away in my carryon bag since I've not yet unpacked due to all the aforementioned errand-running. All of my stuff is just sitting in the dining room right now, half-open and needing to be put away. I've done about half of it so far, but because of my wack sleep schedule and need to readjust, I'm not quite up to the task of finishing just yet. Which is annoying, but I'll get it done. In general, I have quite a few more errands to run before I'm done... namely, exchanging currency. I have a ton of money I didn't get to use in Japan sitting in my wallet, so I'd like to be able to exchange it for a currency I can actually use here. And deposit into my bank account, because cash payments are nowhere near as common here as in Japan, and I feel a tad out of place handing over a cheeky tenner to a cashier when buying something.

Today, I had protein oats for the first time in a while. The protein powder I bought before I'd left had run out thanks to my Dad hooking into it, so I picked up some more alongside other stuff I usually put in them— namely, frozen strawberries, bananas, and the rolled oats themselves! My Mum was very surprised to hear that I eat oatmeal, given that I hated it as a kid. That was just the Uncle Toby's premade packs, though. I'm not keen on the flavour of it, since they go way too heavy on the cinnamon and sugar for my liking. While I was in Japan, I was making use of chocolate powder, but I've swapped it out for the Musashi Vanilla Milkshake powder that I'd usually have in smoothie-form, and on my God is it amazing in oatmeal as well! Truly, the definition of a perfect flavour. I've also been huge on Greek yoghurt again, actually. New Zealand has a ridiculous amount of options when it comes to dairy product compared to Japan, so I've picked up a lot of yoghurt pottles for snacks! I even was reunited with my beloved favourite treat— Toffee 'nana-flavoured Smoovy Bowls from The Collective! I've had about four of them so far, they're just as good as I remember. I gotta pick more up sometime later in the week!

Being back home hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be, which I'm relieved about. I was telling Hedgehog about things that've changed around the central city since I've been gone, and it's a little strange seeing all these differences! At the very least, being able to see the mountainrange from any intersection in town makes me feel a little at ease. I'm looking forward to taking more walks through town over the coming weeks! And hopefully getting a job, of course. I'm also planning to do a bit more refurbing of my website, since I'm not quite content with some aspects of it... so please keep your eyes peeled for that! I also want to publish some pages sometime soon, but again, not quite content with those, either. Creative block has kind of set in, unfortunately! I'll surely get through it, but for now, that's about all I wanted to say. Until next time!

I'm back home! First diary entry on NZ soil in... well, the history of the site, actually! I almost forgot I established this part of my site after I went abroad, haha. Anyway, hello from Auckland Airport— I am once again bumming off free wifi to yap into my silly little digital diary. It's definitely been getting updated it a lot, hasn't it? I thought it might as well be a good chance to write down some thoughts for later, haha. Anyway, it's a little chilly... my fit was more suited to Japan's summer, but I chucked on a hoodie and it almost feels like it's still not enough. I actually look a little mis-matched: Kiwi on the top half, Foreigner on the bottom with my J-fashion skirt and shoes, LOL. It's quite the combo! And comfy, too!

Right now, I'm just waiting for my second flight at the domestic terminal— and I've still got a good couple hours to go. My first one, which was around 10 hours, has already long since arrived— it was an overnight one, so I got some good shut-eye when I wasn't seeing what my friends were up to. I need to make it clear right now that I am obsessed with how good Air New Zealand's in-flight meals are. Like no joke, economy class is already crazy comfortable for the price, but the food is also absolutely godly. I had pasta for dinner, and pancakes for breakfast— the same pancakes I had the morning of my flight to Japan almost a year ago, in fact! I do, actually, understand the deal with airline food. Not to sound insanely patriotic or anything. I am looking forward to my complimentary Cookie Time on my domestic flight back to where I live, though.

I'm a little sad that I'm not in Japan anymore, I'll admit! It's nice to be back in NZ surrounded by people who sound exactly like me (I felt giddy hearing a proper non-influenced Kiwi accent for the first time in a long time..!) and in the familiar landscape I grew up in, but oh my God it's expensive here in comparison. I've been in the country a couple hours, and I've already spent a good twenty dollars..! Granted, it was on a crazy-good Caesar salad and a couple snacks, but I'm used to getting a full meal at conbini for less than ten! Whatever, that's just something to get used to again. I also kind of miss the convenience of travel in Japan— as someone who can't drive, their public transport is just too damn good in a lot of major centers! Even in smaller places it's useful, I've found. I was staying in the middle of nowhere in Aichi, and even there the lines and busses were convenient for getting around the prefecture! Granted I am hoping to get my Restricted license sometime in the next year, so maybe my feelings will change a little. Maybe not, though... I fell in love with trains while I was abroad, really.

I've kind of been reflecting on myself as a person after my exchange, since once I landed, I was all on my own— Hedgehog is still in Japan, and my parents are in another part of the country. I really feel like I've developed even more independence, since I was able to navigate and problem solve on-the-go a lot. There's still a lot of room for growth, but I feel as though I'm becoming more sure of myself, almost. I want to keep going, but I might need to slow down for a while to readjust and let the reality of my time abroad being over sink in and cope with it. There's no place like home, but again, I miss Japan since it was my home for almost a full year and I grew used to the everyday conveniences there.

The last couple days I spent in Tokyo with Hedgehog were a blur, we did so much the day we arrived. I took him to Nakano, and we went around Ikebukuro, Harajuku and Yoyogi. Neither of us were too keen on the huge crowds, but we headed out towards Harajuku/Yoyogi for my first visit at Meiji shrine. It's insanely gorgeous— I bought myself an Omamori and a Goshuin from there (and got complimented on my Japanese by the woman who wrote mine in... I suppose many foreigners who come through speak much less Japanese than I do...), and even wrote my first ema! The only thing I have to say is that I wish it wasn't swarmed with tourists... Yes, I know I technically was one (coping by telling myself I had a residence card and was living there for a year as a student...). I also went to the Sanrio store in Harajuku and finally picked myself up some goods of the recently-released mascot Hanamaruobake— the friendly little ghost who draws hanamaru to cheer you on! He's sooooo freakin' cute, I've already taken a bunch of photos of the plushie I got. I love that you can make him hold things! It's so fun! I also picked up a keychain, which I'll be getting a lot of use out of for sure. I also got another figure (Relax Time Suisei, my dream figure... I found her for so cheap in Ikebukuro and I've wanted her for like a year now... She's going in my desk setup LOL), and a copy of Arceus for the Switch, since it was cheap at Bookoff. Plus, I got a volume of Yuri manga and a FFXIV artbook at Animate! Hedgehog also managed to find the artbook for Elden Ring, and happily geeked out about it to me once we got back to the hotel. I'm super happy for him, especially since he said it was incredibly worth it to pay the overweight baggage fee for it (among other things). Speaking of that guy, I kind of miss him already. Don't tell him I said that, though. I don't think he needs the ego boost. I called him this morning, and he was glad to hear I arrived safelty and that he misses me already— he's gonna call me again later tonight, when he's got his hotel and trip up north all sorted. I'm hoping it all goes well for him!

I feel like I'm gonna be stuck waiting around in the terminal for bloody ages..! I don't have check-in/bag drop for another hour, so I've been parked up with my stuff near the food court since I got in... At least my flight is a rather short one, and I get a nice view with my window seat! I'm not sure what else to include in today's entry, actually, so I might just call it here! Hopefully I've got more fun things to talk about soon, I'm planning on catching up with some of my friends and my teacher sometime soon! Until next time, then.

Damn, it's Monday again! I don't mean to keep updating my blog on this day of the week... it just seems to happen! Anyway, hello! I'm coming to you live from JR Nagoya Station in, well... Nagoya, obviously. I've had quite the eventful last couple days, and it just keeps happening. Yesterday was supposed to be my final day in Aichi prefecture, with my plan being to hop on a bus to Yokohama and stay there for a day before catching up with Hedgehog... however, my travel luck has most definitely worn off. As you can probably tell by the way I've worded things, I missed my night bus yesterday— all because my RA decided not to come on time to room check before my departure (I am mildly angry about this, especially because we had agreed on the time and she had decided to go to sleep while I was waiting around for her to show up! That's $50 of my own money wasted!). As a result, I had to go back to my dormitory after making a tearful goodbye to all my friends... how embarrassing! Since it was past curfew when we got back, I had to crash in a friend's room until leaving this morning. Our caretaker who saw me off had a bit of a fright when he saw me coming downstairs this morning, though, and I explained the situation to him very loosely... I'm a hater at heart, but I didn't want to badmouth anybody to him. We took a few photos and he farewelled me in Māori, actually! He asked me what the Māori equivalent of さよなら was, and I couldn't give a proper answer— since I don't think there's a more "permanent" farewell akin to it, from what I remember. I ended up just answering with "haere rā" for his question, even though it's more akin to "またね”, I think. I need to brush up on my Reo when I'm home, clearly!

Everything was going super smooth this morning, I managed to catch a Meitetsu bus into town and got to the station before noon, picked up my Shinkansen ticket at the machine (departing way later than I would have liked, but whatever! It was close to my check-in time, so I didn't care) and headed into the waiting area to get a drink and chill until I left... and then I found out that the Shinkansen was being delayed and many of the trains were straight up being cancelled. Oops! And that brings us to right now— I'm still sitting here in the waiting room, spending some time blogging until I find a place to park up until the secondary night bus I've booked shows up in about... ten hours, give or take. Not ideal circumstances, but thank god for JR Central's free wifi and AC. It's helping me kill so much time, LOL! I'm gonna head off after I do a little bit of site work, though. I need to get my ticket refunded!

Travel problems aside, I had a good last week! My exams are over and done with, and I think I did decently enough. Not that I care, though, I've given up. I passed out a few letters and even recieved a few from my peers, too! So many kind things were said to me, that thinking about them honestly makes me tear up a little... I hope we can all keep in touch beyond this exchange! I was originally going to give my letter to Hedgehog at the airport since we're heading out that way together, too, but I decided to do it yesterday, instead. I think I'm glad I did, since he really loved the omamori I got him— a travel safety one from Minatogawa Shrine in Kobe, detailing some of the beautiful scenery of the area in peach pink and purple, with text included in golden thread. I think he cried a little, actually— and he told me it matches his PC setup, which was a complete coincidence. I immediately thought of him when I saw it, since he's doing a lot of travelling this year— I was originally on the hunt for a traffic safety one for him, since he loves to drive, but the one I saw wasn't available for purchase when I went to the shrine out in Arima... I know it's more or less a superstition thing, but the idea of getting someone a little trinket wishing them good fortune on their ventures is something I find great joy in. It feels like a special way of wishing them luck, in a way that they can carry with them tangibly... kind of like how my Aunt gave me a St Christopher's pendant before I came over last year. I also went out for dinner last night with a few people, to our local Saizeria— a super-cheap Italian chain that's pretty common here. It's hard to believe in the year I've been here, I've never gone to one... or tried Japanese pudding! I had it yesterday, though, and it was a great time. I wish I could've spent more time with people, but I still managed to do so much in the time I was here.

I won't lie, I'm a little sad that I'm about to leave Aichi. It's not the greatest prefecture, but I have very fond memories of this place, since I've lived here for a full year. At least I'm able to smile through the pain a little, and enjoy my last few days in the country with someone I've met here and can hang out with at home soon enough. I've got a few ideas of what I want to do over the next few months while I'm waiting for my degree. I'm gonna build a proper desktop PC and get back into FFXIV when it's all done, since I've been missing PC gaming like crazy since I've been here. My current PC back home is dead in the water since it's an old second-hand one, so I'm due for an upgrade. I'm also applying to a few jobs here and there, just to keep myself busy. I also like money, so that's an added bonus. I want to come back to Japan next year for the next SideM concert, so that's one savings goal I've got going on. And of course, I would like to keep working on myself beyond counselling. I don't think I'll go back to counselling once I'm back, but I've got a few ideas of how to work on myself, especially now that I've got more tools and people to support me during rough patches.

This is probably my last blog update in the country, unless I do one while I'm in Tokyo. I doubt that, though, since I've got a lot of plans. Until next time!

Hello, happy Monday! Never thought I would be saying that... I am a chronic hater-of-Mondays, after all! I've had a very busy week, and this week is not looking less busy by any means. My head is very all-over the place right now, so I apologise if this entry feels a bit scattered! I wasn't really online much over the last few days, but I did get to see so many of my peers on here reach milestones in their lives and on their sites when I took a brief look at my phone, which warmed my heart. I can't wait to see how more sites on this side of the web flourish!

I went to Tokyo last week, as you may have gathered from previous entries. I arrived on Thursday morning and left on Sunday night, arriving back in Nagoya this morning at around six. I barely slept, though, because I'd just gotten out of the concert hall over in Makuhari and spent an hour on the train back. It was a damn good concert, and overall, my time there was pretty good and very successful! I found some CDs I'd wanted and a plushie of my favourite character in a Bookoff in Shinjuku, as well as the fact that I met and exchanged business cards with other Im@s fans both foreign and domestic!! I also had the very special opportunity to stay in an extremely fancy hotel for free, thanks to a friend who was coming to Japan for the concert while working. I made sure to get her some very special gifts to take back home with her, as well. The Tokyo Station Hotel was genuinely insane, I have never felt more broke in my life, LOL! Other than that... I also tried out the Im@s arcade machine in Nakano for the first time! I've been a fan of the series since around 2017, so this was very special to me— I now have my very own arcade game Producer card with my favourite 765 idol, Yukiho, on it. Plus, I got to leave one of my business cards in the clearfile and write a message in the producers book, meaning that a little piece of me is now apart of Im@s history! I may only focus on SideM nowadays due to the fact the fansa isn't as offputting to me, but the entire series as a whole has been a big part of my life over the last decade, so it makes me happy to say that I can tell my teenage self that I've been able to do these things!

With regard to the concert... wow, just wow! I'm still at a loss for words with it! I wasn't the hugest fan of the venue— Makuhari Messe was a completely flat venue, meaning that I had trouble seeing at times due to being shorter than my fellow Producers... But there were so many good performances and they made use of a huge moving stage this time around! On day 1, my friend and I were only eight rows from the stage itself, which was actually insane. On day 2 we were further back, but it wasn't bad, especially since there were carts coming down near us and we were close to where the moving stage stopped at the end of it's tracks. I also had some concert milestones there, too— I broke my first daiseikou glowstick to one of my favourite songs in the entire discography (Inner Dignity by Jupiter, if you were curious... my penlight also made it into the broadcast for a split second!), and lost my voice from screaming so much! It's come back a little today, thankfully, but some sounds don't quite come out right yet, so I need to resist the urge to yap too much with my friends...

Other than all that, I spent some time trainspotting in Otsuka while at the Atre Starbucks, and saw the beautiful old-style tram that runs along there for the Toei-operated line that runs there. It was drizzling a bit the day I was there, but it was a nice spot to relax in before I got back to the grind of enjoying my trip. I also visited Senso-ji for the first time! I made sure to go at an early time to avoid the crowds and had a nice walk around the grounds. I took a photo of my new plushie there, too— some lady saw me do that and I was embarrassed for a second before I saw her pull out a photo card of her favourite JJK character and take a photo in the same spot. Otaku truly make the world go round!

Looking forward... this is my last full week in the country. I fly back home in about 9 days, and will be back home in 10. It's surreal. I'm gonna miss my friends so much... I have a few letters to write before we all start leaving, so I need to crack on with that. Plus, I have finals this week... I hope I can focus after having so much fun in Chiba and Tokyo this weekend..! I've got a month without Hedgehog to pester in-person, since he's staying for another month to travel, too. It's a real shame, but at least we can hang out in person after all of this is over. Speaking of, he actually bought me the Animal Crossing: New Horizons complete guidebook while I was in Tokyo because he saw that some things were stressing me out. It's a hefty book, so I'm worried about getting it home... though, it's so useful and I'm so glad he thought of me when he saw it.

That's about it for now! I need to rest up since the heat in Chiba this weekend completely wrecked me, even if I didn't get sunburnt at all. There's a lot to do, but I hope once I'm home I can dedicate more time to my little corner of the web. 'Til next time!

Another entry in a week, wow! I feel as though enough has happened to update this little corner again, even though my last update wasn't all that long ago. I had a pretty good day yesterday, but didn't sleep at all. I've turned into quite the insomniac recently, and it's all because of the re-emergence of my Animal Crossing addiction. In my defense... okay, I don't actually have a defense. It's just a cute game with nice characters, and doing my silly little tasks makes me happy. If I can't pay my debt off IRL (yet), being able to grind away at clearing debt in a silly little video game is satisfying enough for now. Anyway, video game aside, I ended up sleeping through the university's Tanabata festival yesterday because of said insomnia. Boo. But I did spend a good few hours downstairs with my friends having a laugh and joining in with the very loose Fourth of July festivities two of the Americans were putting together. I went out past the building curfew to grab some conbini food, and ended up taking longer than intended because I got caught up tossing water balloons with the others and playing around for a little while. It was pretty fun, and somehow I managed to escape mostly unscathed despite the amount of damage I did to my friends! I also ended up hanging out in the kitchen until the wee hours of the morning, eating my food and having a laugh with the others, as well. It was pretty nice!

I also went out to the Dungeon Meshi exhibit with a couple friends on Wednesday, as I had planned! It was a very neat little exhibit, and it was great to see so many fun behind the scenes details about the anime adaptation's production, as well as the set pieces which highlighted the first half of the adaptation. I picked up a print of the artwork on the cover of Daydream Hour also! I'm looking forward to displaying it in my room when I'm home, alongside the other various goods I've managed to pick up. It was pretty short and sweet, though, and I almost wish there was more to it! At least, it was a nice experience and I got some good photos at the photo spots. Very fun! I also went on a little mission of my own today over to the city hall— I took one of the local busses and it was very nice because of the convenience, especially because of the fact that it got all the way up to 36 degrees today. Too much for little old me, if I'm being perfectly honest! But yes, I had some paperwork regarding financial assistance I needed to deal to ASAP, and honestly, it was such a quick and painless process that I found myself hoping the payment of my health insurance next week also goes this smoothly.

Part of the reason I was up so late, aside from all the fun, was because my exam results came out today. Technically they came out yesterday, but I didn't receive an email about it— so I just checked it on the date when I knew they were officially starting to be published on the portal. My final grade... drumroll please... was an 80%. AKA, an A- in my university's grading scale. Not bad, but I can't help but feel a degree of disappointment, as my final exam grade was a mere B+ grade at 78%. I know, I know— 80% is a good grade and above average, it's something to be proud of. But I'm not. I still feel like I should've done better, and I almost feel frustrated that people don't seem to understand that. I can't find it in myself to be content with or even feel accomplished. It's frustrating, especially when I hear friends and family tell me I'm being too hard on myself and did the best I could with it all. I feel like I've let myself down, and I know it's beyond stupid to say that when there's people wishing that they could get a grade like that for their courses. But for me, it feels like I'm not utilising all my potential, like I'm letting myself slack. It's one of the highest grades I've received since I started my degree, yet it doesn't feel like I've done anything particularly special. I don't feel pride, I don't feel accomplishment... I just keep thinking about all the little mistakes I made that led to me to this grade, and all the things I could've done better.

I talked about my grade woes in counselling today, which... is whole 'nother can of worms at the moment. My brain feels like complete and utter mush after that session. I find myself feeling frustrated with everything, and frustrated with myself most of all. I'm too combative, I'm too resistant to change, and I can't find it in myself to take my counsellor up on the suggestions he's made to try and raise my self-esteem. A couple weeks ago, I had told him I had no plans to "pat myself on the back" so to speak for finishing my degree, and he told me I should— even giving me a few suggestions while he was at it before sending me on my merry way because it was the end of the session. I did not do any of these suggestions, because... well, life caught up. I was sick twice in the span of that month after I finished my exam, among other things, and of course, I was travelling. My trip to Kobe didn't apparently "count" as something celebratory as I'd planned it in advance, and because I didn't make the trip with the intent of being a reward. Alright, fair, I guess. He reiterated these suggestions to me in the session today, and honestly, I don't want to do any of them. It was suggested I write a letter or note to myself— which I declined, because it felt frivolous and nonsensical. He suggested I bake cookies for myself as a reward— which I also declined; I've struggled with binge eating since my teen years, and baking a batch of cookies for myself is like the disorder equivalent of playing chicken on the train tracks... so, a firm "no thanks" to that one. Purchasing something was also on the table, but I don't have the financial means for that. So that leaves me with... doing nothing, because I can't think of anything else. Which I'm expecting to have to explain to him in my final session in a couple weeks time. As you can tell, I am so very opposed to trying to change that I'm not even taking him up on his suggestions, especially one as simple as "writing something nice to yourself". I just don't see a point to it, really. It feels like a waste of time and energy to do something like that when I could be, say, working on something else. Like this website, or the stupidly huge backlog of translations sitting in my drive. That, and I also don't know what I'd say— I genuinely don't think I've done anything special or significant. I'd rather just move on without a second thought to the next thing, which probably isn't good because blah blah you should make yourself feel good about accomplishing things, but when it feels like there's nothing to celebrate... what do you celebrate? How do you tell yourself "good job" when you don't feel good about the job you've done? I honestly kind of feel like maybe I'm just too combative when it comes to trying to see myself in a positive light, to the point where there isn't much use in me even trying because nothing will ever come of it, because I always, always have a way to justify the biased ways in which I view myself. Hell, I already barely see myself as someone worthy of basic things like communication and understanding, all based on how previous partners have treated me. I've never once thought of myself as perfect or innocent, but clearly I must've done something so wrong that I didn't even deserve to know what it was I did, right? As much as I hate it, I find interpersonal relationships so exhausting, I'm constantly worrying about overstepping and asking if everything is okay because I've had so many instances of people just... never telling me when something is wrong and expecting me to just magically know because all my behaviours are definitely intentional. Giving up honestly just feels like the most economical option at this rate, because struggling against it all feels like it's for nothing in the end. I don't exactly see a future where I can be kind to myself, where I can feel proud of achievements of mine or where I can see the positive in myself. I can barely write a list of good qualities, let alone accept compliments from anyone without getting weird about it somehow. I don't even know what to do about this, and even when I'm given suggestions, I just turn them down. Maybe I really don't care about "getting better" at all, huh.

Anyway, sorry for all the melodramatics in my entry today. I hope things are well for you, dear reader! Aside from all this, I've started playing the new Japanese gacha game 18TRIP seriously... I've fallen head-over-heels for Tao. Maybe more on that another time, I've run out of things to say!

Long time no post! I've been awfully slack at updating this lil ol' blog of mine recently. Truth is, I've been busy! ...and kind of depressed. I've got less than a month left in the country, and the dread of heading all the way back home is weighing me down. I keep getting messages from people back home saying that they're excited to see me again and asking for my arrival date, and all I can think about is how I don't want to go back. It's so expensive to live in New Zealand, and there's so little things for me to do. It's hard to travel when you don't have a license, too. I can already tell the next few months are going to be rough on me... I don't like that I'm feeling so tense and uneasy about going home, but at least I'll be able to keep in touch with friends of mine I've made here— especially Hedgehog, even though he's coming back a month after I do.

I recovered from my aforementioned cold, by the way! Though, I am getting hit with a pretty nasty second round of it— it started flaring up once we got back from Gifu on Friday, and I've been struggling with a sore throat ever since. Hopefully it should be cleared up in a couple days, though. I'm going to the Dungeon Meshi exhibit in Nagoya with Hedgehog before he heads off for a trip later this week, so I'm hoping to be right as rain by then! I was going to go on the weekend, but I was holed up inside instead, eating frozen food and playing Animal Crossing on my Switch... I've gotten completely addicted to it again, by the way. I started a new island, and have been steadily grinding out all my tasks. I've also been playing a bit of Tears of the Kingdom, and thinking about picking up Hollow Knight... Hedgehog has been playing it a bit lately, and it's made me keen to try it out! My friend Kaden was also super into it, so hopefully this gives me a reason to catch up with him again sometime soon... Plus, if I get more games, I'll have a lot to do to keep myself occupied while waiting for job stuff to work out when I'm back home.

As I said before, I went to Gifu on Friday with my university for an excursion! We were there to visit the Mino Washi museum, which is dedicated to the making of Japanese paper. It was a lot of fun! A lot of friends of mine were on this excursion too, so we all had a good time. I picked up a birthday present for my friend, some Gifu warabi-mochi for Ruby, and a few handmade goods for myself, and even got to make my own sheet of paper with a custom leaf design! I'm thinking of getting it framed when I'm home, maybe. We also went to Chiyoho Inari Shrine, and I picked up some nice little edamame snack ball? things? from one of the nearby stores. I've already eaten them, which is a testament to how good they were. Hedgehog picked up some Ramune flavoured ones, while I got a bag of Peach and Mango respectively. It was a pretty nice excursion overall, even though I felt like I was in a bad mood the whole time due to sleep deprivation. I was also playing Animal Crossing on the entire bus ride there and back. I got a lot of fishing done!

I'm not sure what else there is to say... I've got SideM 9th live coming up next weekend, so I've ordered my Meishi and am waiting on the goods Ruby ordered for us. All my accom and busses are booked. I also need to look into accom for a couple days before my flight leaves, since I was wanting to spend some time in Tokyo for a day or two with Hedgehog before I head out and he starts his big trip. I'm not sure though, I just feel a little paralysed by indecision. I'm not ready to go home and I feel... frustrated about the idea of it. I like my independence here, I like that I don't have my parents breathing down my neck as much, and most of all, I like that I have the freedom to travel around so easily despite not being able to drive. I don't know, I'm tired. I'm just trying to enjoy the last few weeks I have here as much as I can, even though being sick makes that ridiculously hard. Anyway, that's about it from me today. Hoping you all are keeping well at the moment!

Gooooooood afternoon! Or evening. Or morning. Depends on where you are, really! As I'm writing this, it's kind of late in the evening. Around 7:30, to be exact. I got back from my third Kobe trip earlier, and just got back from class... and man, I am shattered! I had a very full-on four days, one of which was completely unplanned due to the fact I messed up my night bus reservation, but it's all good now! This post is coming a lot later than I anticipated since I got so busy (and wanted to push my reading log alongside it... maybe in the next week or so, I'm exhausted...), but better late than never, right?

I have a hell of a lot of good news to share... firstly, I've (technically) finished my degree! I'm confident enough that I'm going to pass my final, and my previous grades are strong enough as-is, so it's basically confirmed— I just need to apply when the time comes, and deal with all my gown bookings! But wow, it really does feel weird. This degree has been my life for the last 3.5 years, and finishing it on some random Saturday night in Summer, in a place I never expected to be, is certainly surreal. I'm also writing a small feature and sending some of my photos to my teacher back home, since he wants to share what his students have been getting up to with the other teachers in the humanities department! I have no clue what pictures to send, though... I've taken way too many!

I also got my hair cut again! This time, instead of having a small maintenance trim, I decided to lop a whole bunch off for the practical reasons of "having sensory issues" and "hating having to untangle it every five minutes". As much as it was protecting my neck from getting sunburnt due to it's sheer density... the fact that it was both dense and long is not something that pairs well with summer weather, especially not when it's windy! I've kind of been feeling unsure about the length— I've not had it as short as it is since before my decision to detransition. Because of this, it's unfortunately brought back some pretty sour memories, but I'm taking things one step at a time and learning to adjust. Plus, a lot of people have said the style suits me, so that's been somewhat reassuring.

As for my Kobe trip... let's see... well, I went and started my second Goshuincho, and went to Arima Onsen finally! I went to the Hyogo Prefectural Art Museum for the exhibit on Yasuhiko Yoshikazu, too— and wow, it was incredible! I wasn't all that familiar with his work outside of Mobile Suit Gundam, but seeing all the years of work he's put into so many projects from manuscripts and proposals to storyboarding and concept art was amazing! His skill with watercolour as a medium is unreal, there were so many gorgeous pieces there it was hard to choose a favourite. I have no photos though, unfortunately! Many museums here fully prohibit photography in certain exhibits like this, so I just had to burn it all into my memory instead... Now that I've seen more of his works from their inner workings, though, I'm interested in looking into them more— particularly Joan and Arion. Speaking of Joan, there was a very beautiful watercolour piece from that work... if there was a postcard version of it, I totally would've bought it! Other than that, I also checked out Himeji. I didn't get to go to the castle, but I went to the literature museum and climbed the nearby mountain to get a killer view of it instead! It was a bit of a tough climb, particularly in such hot weather and inappropriate attire (I gotta stop wearing cute clothes for tourist activities, but I'm addicted...), but completely worth it. I think I might've gotten a mild case of heatstroke, so I've been trying to take it a bit easier since then. It was a really great time, though, and I know for a fact that I will be going back there some day.

I'm not really sure what else to add at the moment, I'm just pretty tired from being sick :(. I caught a cold off my friend, and it started manifesting the instant I got back from Kobe. Plus, I've started arranging stuff for my return to New Zealand... I have to look into getting a carryon suitcase and selling a few clothes I don't really wear anymore, plus getting into the habit of playing jenga with my collection of books and other various goods... ah well, hopefully it's not too difficult! I'm also a little guilty of... not updating a few of my pages like I said I would, oops! Truth is, as much as I love the design of my gallery page, I'm frustrated with it! I might try and revamp it at some point when uni is all done and dusted, making use of something like lightbox instead this time. At the moment, I'm just looking forward to my health improving again and getting back on track! I had to miss a few classes this week because the fatigue was so bad...

Anyway, that's all for now. Hope you all are doing well at the moment, and keeping safe in the hot or cold weather, depending on where you are!

It's June aleady? Wow, how the time flies! That just means I'm closer to celebrating the first anniversary of my little corner of the web. Twenty-three days left!

I'm quite fond of this page I've made, to be honest! I have really been enjoying playing with background layering and think this layout is quite nice. This is the first of two Summer-themed diary pages, actually— I'm going back to my home in the Southern Hemisphere at the end of next month, so come December, another warm-feeling page will crop up in this corner of my site. That also means I'll be using this diary during the winter, technically... at least, for August. Anyway, onto more interesting matters!

I'm actually writing part of this entry out a little in advance, mostly because I'm on a university trip this weekend. May 31st and June 1st are going to be spent outside of Aichi, leaving me in Yamanashi and Shizuoka instead! I already know I'm going to be completely shattered when I get back, maybe only having enough energy to push this page to live with (few) bugs going on. In general, my energy levels have been fluctuating, as has my ability to sleep well. It's annoying, but I guess that's what happens when you stop repressing things and try to put more thought into recovery. I'll try my best to be more lighthearted after my last entry in Spring, I promise.

On the 25th of May, I went to Okazaki with my friend for goshuin collecting. Despite almost being here for a year, I've not gone to many places in the wider Aichi prefecture, so it was a great time! The weather was nice, I got to have lunch at my favourite sandwich truck which was parked up for an event (which I didn't know about! I was so excited to see them after they didn't come to campus that week like their schedule had said!), saw Okazaki castle and collected four new goshuin at local shrines— one of which being an impromptu visit that I didn't plan out. I don't know what else to say about Okazaki except I loved it a lot and I plan to go back another time before I go home, especially because it's not a total hassle to get there!

Speaking of weather, it's been mostly nice as of late. As much as I hate humidity which crops up all the time at the moment, being able to sit with my balcony open and listen to the rain and the wind has been nice! My classes were cancelled on the 28th due to a typhoon and I got to spend more time with people in my dorm (and cramming for my kanji quiz the next day...). I did pretty mediocre on that quiz, but a pass is a pass— especially since I'm trying to focus on passing my Literature course which is actually going towards finishing my degree.

Speaking of, I actually got a 92.5 on my second assignment, and an 80 on the third! My final is next weekend, so I'm hoping to get a solid grade there also, since I want to finish with an A-range grade if possible. The double-whammy of being able to read N3 level Japanese literature works and analyse it on a deeper level is something that'd make me feel accomplished in myself, surely.

Alright, actual June 1st Kiley here, I survived my trip! Well, I say survived, but I really had such a good time that I'm buzzing with so much energy despite my lack of sleep. Which is ironic, because I am indeed struggling to write much at the moment... it was such a blur and so much fun that I genuinely don't know what to say. After my rough patch the other week, I'm admittedly in higher spirits... I feel like my mentality is shifting more and more, and that my stress and worry is fading away... though, that may just be the warm weather. I even did my therapy homework, after a lot of complaining. I had a mild argument with my counsellor about that, actually. I'm gonna send it off soon, but hopefully the next session is fine... sometimes I feel like he misunderstands me a lot since I have trouble understanding things sometimes myself, which doesn't always turn out great... whatever, no point ruminating on that.

This trip was the first time my uni had done something like this, so it was a tad all-over the place. We went to Amagi Wasabi no Sato, which was a tad underwhelming (even our international coordinator was surprised at how small the wasabi field was...), then Shuzenji right after, which was significantly more fun! I hung out with some of my friends and collected some goshuin from the area, and took a ton of photos for the competition. The weather wasn't the best since there's been a few typhoons as of late, but that hardly mattered to any of us because the rainfall was so minor. Other than that... I finally had my first traditional Japanese dinner! I ate Whelk and Eel for the first time, and they were pretty nice. I was particularly sold on the sashimi, though... I love fish now that I'm older, funnily enough. I used to absolutely hate it as a kid, even in the case of fish and chips from the local takeaway places! My friends and I also went to an onsen for the first time, too. It was really nice, and did wonders for my legs, which have been a tad sore from all the walking I usually do. It's given me the idea of using one in Kobe again in a couple weeks, and becoming a regular at our local one before I go home, too. It's soooo nice, I can't believe I put it off so much...

Today was spent travelling around Yamanashi before we went back home! We went to a couple places here and there, and got a killer view of Mt. Fuji in the morning! None of us were expecting to see it because of the typhoon warnings, so it was a very nice surprise. I bought a few postcards and a mini art print for my room back home. I ate quite poorly on this trip in general, so I'm hoping to get back into the swing of a healthy and more regular diet... especially since I found out I've gained a few kilos from the fact I started binge eating again and having a less-than-balanced diet due to my mental health being pretty bad. I've gotten very hooked on local conbini frozen mango slices though, which will hopefully satiate my craving for things that are sweet and cold in the coming months! Though, my favourite ice cream isn't too bad for calories... perhaps a healthy balance of both is in order. Perhaps even mixing them together. Though, protein yoghurt is still pretty good... pardon the food rambling, haha.

As I offhandedly mentioned earlier... yeah, I booked another trip to Kobe. Unfortunately, I think it's become a coping mechanism for me. In my defense... I got good transport and accom, and am using it as a chance to visit places outside of Sannomiya. Also, the NZD is really strong against the JPY right now. I'm talking like, the best it's been in more than twenty years. Insane. I'm going to be making the most of that while I can. Anyway, I'm going to Himeji in particular, mostly for the Literature Museum and the Castle. Also shrine and temple stuff. My goshuincho is almost completely filled, so I decided to get my second one from Kitano Tenman during that trip, and start filling it up a little while in the area. I'm hoping to visit more temples this time, since I would prioritise Shinto shrines where I could, since people would say that they would be turned down for goshuin at some. That's apparently a load of bull, though, since Shintoism and Buddhism coexist pretty peacefully and have for a long time now... so yes, more temples this time! I especially want one from Meguro Fudoson in Tokyo, and maybe some in Kyoto if I manage to go back. Not the huge tourist ones, though. I'm too bad with crowds, to be honest.

Other than all that? I have my midterms this week for my Japanese language and culture courses... also the aforementioned final exam for my Literature class on the weekend. I'm looking forward to never having to do a uni crunch like this again, honestly— at least, for a few years. Something, something, light at the end of the tunnel. I'm also hoping to have more free time to watch some more stuff! I have loose plans to watch From up on Poppy Hill with Hedgehog (and finish our in-progress watches...) when we're both free from uni scheduling nightmares. Anyway, at the risk of sounding like the "How do you do, fellow kids?" meme... to those of you in the Northern Hemisphere, let's do our best to have a good Summer!